Research suggests that our brain forms a judgment of someone within the first 100 milliseconds of meeting them. The reason being that our subconscious mind tries to identify whether the other person is a friend or foe and should therefore trigger our fight or flight response. This mechanism is a relic from the stone age when our brain had to quickly recognize threats like saber-toothed tigers without us having to consciously think about it and prompt us to absolutely bolt.
More or less unfortunately the workings of our minds haven't really changed in the last 10,000 years, and so this mental mechanism is still set in motion every time we meet someone new, giving us only a blink of time - about 7 seconds - until someone has made up their mind about us upon meeting them. Not a lot of time.
So how can we ensure that the first impression we have on someone is positive, that we appear as likable, trustworthy, and friendly, i.e., how do we ensure don't appear as a saber-toothed tiger that everyone wants to run away from?
Let's start with getting our flint stones out and spark an instant connection.
Your first goal when meeting someone new should be to create an instant connection with them. Doing so is incredibly important since it will set the scene for the rest of the interaction. Especially in business situations and negotiations, this first connection is fundamental to evoking trust within the other party, and therefore, has a crucial impact on the likelihood of coming up with a successful deal.
The best way to create an instant connection is to find commonalities.
Identifying commonalities creates connections that are emotional. Hence, they are very strong. Having something in common with someone else puts you on the same page. It makes the other person feel like you understand them and can empathize with them, which is very effective for creating trust and likeability.
There is a variety of ways to find commonalities. You could try to steer the conversation in a way that explores whether you have common experiences, similar hobbies, and interests, or it could be as simple as finding commonalities between the situation you are both in.
For instance, if you are joining a networking event or party where you don't know anybody, you could try to make out someone who is standing by themselves, walk up to them and start a conversation with "Hi my name is Max, I don't know anybody here, do you?" If they say no you have now got in common the situation you are in and immediately made a connection with the other person within the first 7 seconds of talking to them.
But where do you go from there?
The best way to start a conversation is to simply ask "So how's your day been?". You can gauge a much better impression of how someone actually is, than if you had asked "How are you?" or "You alright?", because it invites the person to tell some specific happenings of the day that could be food for the conversation rather than the usual "good, you?" that we often get as an answer to one of the latter questions.
Since most people work, this question will often also lead to a chat about what the other person's occupation is. However, frequently these conversations look something like "So in what kind of industry are you in?"... "Ah ok"... "And what's your role?"..."Ah ok". Rather dull, boring, and one-sided, right? Plus you are not actually learning anything about the other person but just about the work they are doing.
Instead, try asking them "What is it that you love about your work?". This way you are more likely to find out about the things that are important to the other person, which might be the chance to challenge oneself every day, the family feel of their company, or a good pay to fund their hiking holidays in the Himalayas. Either way, you are much more likely to find out what the other person is like and use what they say as a starting point for a much more interesting conversation (As long as you agree the hiking trips in the Himalayas are more intriguing than let's say the financial statements of Citibank). At the same, you show that you are interested in your conversation partner as a person and not their work.
In line with what Dale Carnegie taught us in How to make friends and influence people, **the key to having a great conversation is to get the other person to talk most of the time. People love hearing their own voice and talking about themselves. Hence, keep asking questions and show that you actively listen and have a real interest in what they are telling you. This will give them the feeling that they mean something, which is a very powerful emotion that will leave a very positive impression of you.
However, at the same time don't let your conversation look like an interrogation. While trying to get the other person to speak most of the time make sure that you share your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings, too. Doing so will give the other party something to work with so they get a better picture of you and can make sense of you, thereby helping them to realize that you are not a saber-toothed tiger. This also helps to highlight commonalities and build better relationships.
Now let's talk about humor. I think most of us know at least one person that always tries to get rid of any awkwardness and break the ice by cracking a few jokes and making people laugh to lift up the atmosphere, hoping that it will make people feel more comfortable. Well, they have got good reason. Humor is a real weapon to raise your profile and communication skills.
Good humor often comes from the truths within our daily lives. In that context, look for contrasts. For instance, back at school during A Levels, I could perfectly cite the Latin names for all sorts of plants, knew all the rivers in Siberia, and could explain how the chemical process of turning carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen into alcohol works, and now I don't even know how to turn on the lights when I borrow my mate's car!
Dare to be dull. Don't try to be super original like everyone else. Be obvious and say what everyone else is thinking.
However, don't try too hard to be funny. It might make people feel uncomfortable and create the impression that you are not taking them or what they are saying seriously. Rather, look for the right moments to laugh.
What's your awkward fake laugh?
My Story
My name is Stefan, and just like you, I had (and still have) this little voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough.... continue reading
More blog posts
What everyone ought to know about boosting your self-esteem.
(Do not carry on with your self-affirmations if you truly want to feel confident again.)
Discover what the real 'currencies of self-esteem' are and how to amass them like weeds.
