Are you one of those people that tapes up the front camera on their laptop? That checks twice whether they left something valuable in their car on show? That is quite suspicious of other people and takes their time to "figure them out" first upon meeting them?
Don't trust people, mh?
Well, you are not alone, and you have got good reason, too.
Developed countries like the US show a consistent downwards trend in the level of trust that people put in each other since the 1990s. Coincidentally, the number of scams and frauds is at an all-time high.
A problematic development in my opinion.
Trust is arguably one of the most important aspects of our life. It is the basis for any relationship we have, with friends, family, work colleagues, recruiters, or even the barista at our local Starbucks. On a personal level, it is the starting point for building our personal support networks that help us achieve our goals, overcome problems, and that we can share our most precious memories with that bring us happiness and fulfillment in life.
And in the world of business and work trust is the number-one success factor for any negotiation we enter, for any job interview we attend, and any business we want to start, for building powerful and diverse groups of people that drive performance and innovation.
As an extreme example, take Airbnb and Uber. Through earning our trust these two companies have convinced us to voluntarily sleep on a stranger's sofa or get into a strangers car, the exact thing that our parents always begged us not to do!
Hence, I think all of us should deeply care about the power of trust and the tools we can use to earn the trust of those around us.
But what actually is trust? How is it formed? And what has a well-known Swedish furniture shop got to do with it?
Låt oss ta reda på! (Let's find out!)
If you were to try defining trust yourself you might find that it is actually quite hard to do! However, I assume that you would agree that trust is a very special feeling.
It feels like a mixture of things, like a feeling of confidence and being able to rely on someone or something, knowing that you can be vulnerable with someone without incurring a disadvantage by doing so. Trust is almost borderline a belief in the good of people*.* But where does it come from?
Research has found that trust is built on three pillars: Benevolence, Honesty, and Competence. Interestingly, these three pillars are not equally important.
Let's look at each in turn.
The strongest pillar of trust, trumping the other two is benevolence, which refers to having another person's interest heart.
We trust those people the most who we feel genuinely want to do good for us, who want to help us achieve our goals, overcome difficulties, or simply see us happy. These people give us the feeling that they appreciate, respect, and care about us, which triggers two powerful responses.
Firstly, we get the feeling that we mean something to them, which as Dale Carnegie writes in How to win friends and influence people is one of the most powerful emotions we can feel. As a result, we start to associate this feeling of meaning something with the person who triggered it, which makes us like them and therefore trust them.
At the same time, benevolence triggers the law of reciprocity, which creates that urge within us to encounter the other person's kindness with giving them something in return: our trust.
This urge is especially strong when we feel that the other person goes out of their way and puts their own interests below ours when doing something for us. These are, for instance, the moments, when your friends cancel their weekend plans to help you with moving into your new flat, or when your partner brings you something back from their shopping spree without you asking for it, just because they thought it would be something you would like.
The second pillar of trust may almost seem too obvious: We trust people that are honest.
Honesty satisfies one of our most basic desires: To know the truth.
Knowing the truth is so important to us because, only when we know the true facts about something, about someone else, or even about how others perceive us we can accurately evaluate the current situation we are in, form judgments about someone else, and predict the future, which in turn, is giving us the feeling of confidence and reliability that we associate with trust.
Interestingly, even if the facts are unfavorable for us, we appreciate it much more to have the certainty that they are true so that we can do something about it.
If you think about yourself, you trust those friends who you know will tell you that you have got something in your teeth instead of letting you wander into your date with the chance of embarrassing yourself, right?
In a way, honesty is therefore also related to benevolence. We usually consider someone who is honest and willing to tell us the (sometimes unpleasant) truth as someone who has our best interests at heart.
Contrarily, we regard someone who is dishonest as someone who is putting their own interest before everyone else's and in that context is even prepared to mislead others or withhold important information if it brings them any personal gains, despite knowing that it could potentially make others worse off.
Those dishonest people undermine their benevolence, which strongly limits their chances of earning someone else's trust.
The only exception in which we can be dishonest without losing another person's trust is when we genuinely have the other person's best interest at heart when we mislead them. For instance, when we lie to our friends to hide a surprise birthday party from them, their trust in us will be completely unaffected once they find out since they realize that we didn't pursue any bad intentions when misleading them.
The third pillar of trust is competence. If we can demonstrate that we have the experience, the knowledge, and the skills to help someone reach their goals, overcome difficulties, or in general contribute to improving their quality of life, they are more likely to trust us.
This is the reason why companies sometimes show off their heritage in TV ads. They try to demonstrate their experience and their therewith associated competence in an attempt to convince you that they are a trustworthy company. As an example, watch this Jim Beam ad in which the company aims to bring across its competence in bourbon brewing which it has been perfecting since 1795.
Competence is also the reason why we trust our favorite barista, hairdresser, dentist, or car mechanic. We know that they have the skills to make our coffee or cut our hair the way we actually like it. In a way it almost makes us feel as if the other person knows our preferences, which makes us like them and ultimately trust them.
However, compared to the other two pillars of trust, competence is the least important. Because even if we don't have the skills or knowledge to improve someone's life, we can still gain someone's trust if we are honest about it and don't try to tie them down in a deal that would benefit us but harm the other person.
Now, if you look at these three pillars, you find that while each holds up trust in its own way they are all built using the same blueprint: People trust people they like.
And the best way to get people to like us is to connect with them. And to connect with people we have to find something that we have in common with them. And to find something that we have in common with others, we have to be prepared to show one thing: Vulnerability.
Imagine for example that you decided to dedicate part of your free time to learning Spanish and for that purpose, you join an evening class at your local college. However, on your first day, you find yourself struggling already and so as you walk out of the room at the end of the class you turn around to one of your classmates and tell them "I am really struggling here, I am not sure I am good enough yet to join this class." To your surprise, they reply "Me too! I thought I was the only one!". You both release big sighs of relief and start a lovely conversation before you make your way home, feeling in some way connected to each other.
What happens in moments like these is that you close what is called a Vulnerability Loop: It's a shared exchange of openness, a moment when two or more people are vulnerable together (such as struggling with learning a language).
When people close vulnerability loops they form a connection because they are able to empathize with each other, they can appreciate each other's feelings, which makes them feel like they are on the same page.
What makes vulnerability loops such an effective tool for connecting with people is that the connections we form as a result of the loops are emotional. Therefore, they are much stronger than if we bonded over something like the fact that we both like Pizza, which strongly raises the chances of turning the connection that we have with the other person into liking each other and ultimately trusting each other.
There are two ways in which we can initiate closing vulnerability loops:
One of the best strategies in that context is to accept offers for support and ask for favors. This way you low-key acknowledge that you have a vulnerability that you think the other person could help you overcome, and at the same time, you show the other person that you respect and appreciate them, which will make you even more likable and trustworthy.
Moreover, something else interesting happens. The pure fact that the other person puts their time and effort into supporting you will bring you both even closer, the reason being the IKEA effect.
Research has unveiled an interesting phenomenon which describes that people who assemble their furniture themselves put a disproportionally high value on it compared to those people who opt for their furniture being assembled by the manufacturer they bought it from. Since there is one particular well-known Swedish furniture store whose products require mostly self-assembly, this phenomenon has been coined the IKEA effect.
It highlights a very important aspect of our psychology:
💡 We build much deeper connections with the things and people we invest a lot of time and effort in.
As a result, we can use this mental mechanism to our advantage when we want to earn someone's trust and build meaningful relationships by finding activities or tasks, in which we have to put effort into something together.
Just like the vulnerability loops, the IKEA effect will allow us to build connections with others that are emotionally much stronger and therefore allow us to increase the chances of being liked and earn someone's trust as result of that.
Therefore, if you are looking for meaningful relationships, forget about taking someone out for a drink. Go hiking together, join a gym class together, or cook together. However, find something where you are actively working with each other.
Trust is built on three pillars, which are however unequally important:
Vulnerability loops: How trust is built.
There are two ways in which we can initiate closing vulnerability loops:
Use the IKEA effect to earn trust and build closer relationships
My Story
My name is Stefan, and just like you, I had (and still have) this little voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough.... continue reading
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